What Are You Waiting For?

Tonight at my gig at the 606 Club in Chelsea, I tried something I had never, ever done before - for the first time ever I read some of my poetry to an audience. I've always been too shy about it - but yeah, trying it out felt great. Really great! It has left me totally buzzing with energy and I want to do more, right now! But seeing as it's VERY late at night… probably not going to happen tonight! Ha. However I will, very soon, at least publish them up online…:-). Was pretty awesome to hear audience members' encouragements afterwards too. 

The funny thing about the poems, however - the way I write them, WHY I write them - it has nothing to do with the outside world. It's just stuff I need, personally, to get down on paper and out of my system. It's not about anything except itself. It's not about making money, or gaining approval. It's not a selfish thing. It's because some word, some phrase, has stuck in my head and I need to get it out on paper so it doesn't keep going round and round (you know, like when you get a tune stuck in your mind for hours?).  It's that sort of thing. Better out than in! So reading them out in front of people didn't occur to me as something I could do for a long time. Actually, to be fair, it wouldn't have occurred to me at all, except that a couple of friends heard me mention 'poems' and encouraged me to read them to them, privately, and then went on to suggest getting them out there into the Real World. Listen to your friends! (But do your research too…! Just thinking of all those stories of friends encouraging people to start restaurants because they are such good cooks, and then those poor, hapless cooks losing everything because they don't have the faintest inkling about the business side of things, or, potentially, aren't actually very good in the kitchen... Think 'Dragon's Den'. Do your market research FIRST and then get out there. But actually DO IT - don't just say you're going to. Do it because you need to do it! And get more than one opinion! Having said that, though… Personally, you are usually your own harshest critic (or at least, I certainly am) so if you actually come up with something you feel is ok, it probably IS ok. Or even….GOOD. But yeah, get some second opinions…!).  

Thinking about it, there are so many situations, so many things I hold myself back from trying out, even though I kind of wish I wasn't (obviously some things are probably best left untried!) but others - what am I waiting for? A sign from the skies? The weather to be 'right'? The three-and-a-half million little boring tasks accomplished (which honestly, I've never do, but have promised myself I'll get done first BEFORE I do whatever it is)? To suddenly, miraculously, feel less shy and scared of whatever it is? I'm not talking about only one aspect of life. I'm talking straight-across-the-board. I guess it has partly to do with being a creature of habit - you know, like when you order the same item off the menu in a restaurant, every single time you go there, because you know it's going to be good, but secretly, you're bored of whatever that item is, but you're playing it safe? I reckon there's a certain amount of good, old-fashioned fear.  Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of learning more than you bargained about yourself. Fear of learning that actually, you ARE a pretty duff cook, and you shouldn't have spent your life savings on a restaurant. Well, heck. At least you've tried it! And learned a powerful lesson (do your research = get more than one opinion!.. FYI I do sort of speak from experience here.. I ran my own cookie company for nearly a year, and had a great product, that was never in question - they always sold out at farmer's markets and trade shows etc. nearly every time I sold them - but I realllllllly didn't understand the business side of things, spent way too much time and money on ingredients and preparation, then made a pretty impressive LOSS that year… Anyone (HA!) wants to help on the business side to get that little project going again do feel free to get in touch! Ha… But anyway! I've stilll got the recipes, and maybe someday I'll learn to handle the business side of a small fresh food business. But that particular urge isn't strong enough to act on. YET…. )… 

Back to the original idea of the blog today…   

The funny thing is, a lot of the time, I don't even realise I'm reigning myself in unnecessarily until AFTER I've (finally) tried whatever it is. Like, WOW, Oh My, Hey! This is FUN! Why has it taken me TEN YEARS to try it? (Best not to dwell on that question, at least it's finally been tried…!). Like sailing. I learned to sail a couple years ago - having had that on my list to try for more than ten years. TEN years. Because it was never the right time… Until I MADE it the right time. And now I can do it! WHAT FUN!… 

Anyway, the thing is, if somebody asked me to make a list of things that I wanted to try and haven't been brave enough to try yet - I couldn't.  The process of denial is so ingrained. Often, it's only when someone else mentions doing said-task that I think, 'Hey, oh, yeah! I wanted to try that!' or 'DANG! I've been meaning to do that for ages but I've been TOO SCARED.' Well. What am I waiting for? 

I guess the first step is recognising the signs - listening to those tiny, inner voices whispering 'Hey! We're in here, and we NEED TO DO THIS' - ok, so they'll start shouting eventually. Learning to acknowledge that inner self - learning to listen to the desire to write poetry for example, and the desire to share it with the world. Or the desire to memorise the names of all fifty states so you get that question right in the pub quiz. Or WHATEVER… 

What are you waiting for?